Actions speak louder than words (especially in relationships)

Actions speak louder than words.

Words are easy in the moment because they can instantly make things feel better (for yourself & others)…without having to lift a finger to actually make things better.

Without aligned action, words are shallow expressions of momentary wishes.

“I know I have anger issues, and I’m really going to work on them,” an ex once promised.

Then he smoked more cigarettes, got really quiet, and put on a fake happy face for a few days until he’d randomly explode in a bottled-up rage.

It wasn’t the actions of someone who was actually working on his issues — which could’ve looked like going to therapy or finding healthy outlets of self-expression.

Instead it was the actions of someone who preferred to hide his emotions rather than work through them.

Out with friends, “putting myself first”…(desperately trying to stay distracted in hopes that my absence would make his heart grow fonder).

It’s easy to point this out in others, but we ALL do it in some way… even in our own self-relationship:

“I’m going to stop worrying about him and focus on myself,” I’d say with determination.

Then I’d scroll, binge watch, drink, sign up for intense yoga classes out of shame, and try to make plans with anyone and everyone so I wouldn’t worry about him….which IS action, right?

But it wasn’t the actions of someone who was focused on herself…

(which could’ve looked like seeking out professional healing, journaling and facing my innermost fears, building habits around actual wellbeing)

…it was the actions of someone who was still focused on him, but was will-powering herself to not show it.

Actions show our true self-identity: the way we actually see ourselves.

My ex wanted to see himself as someone who could handle his emotions.

But his true self-identity was still of someone who was afraid of facing his emotions.

Similarly, I wanted to see myself as someone who was secure and emotionally independent.

But my true self-identity was still of someone who believed that my relationship was supposed to provide all of my emotional needs.

In order to actually change ourselves, we have to change ourselves on the identity level.

If we don’t evolve how we see ourselves, the actions we most wish to take will feel difficult or even undesirable (despite us knowing it’s what we truly want).

I had to reshape my self-concept, my identity, as an artform… and work on my beliefs, views, values, and ideal self… in order to then begin to take REAL action that would lead to real change.

Because without shifting into a new identity, our actions will rely on shame, desperation, and willpower…which only perpetuates the identity we don’t want.

New identity creates new actions, which creates new results.

<3 Tracy

PS: Identity work is what I do. It creates change from the inside rather than just doing “better” things on the outside. It’s not about spending more time alone, or having more hobbies, or enduring your feelings. It’s about discovering new ways to see and understand yourself… and take aligned action from that place. If you’re ready to create your self-identity from self-love rather than self-lack, come work with me.