My Self-Identity Story
"Once everyone's happy with me,
then I'll be happy with myself."
From the outside, everything looked fine.
It looked like I had my life together.
I seemed cool and carefree.
But on the inside I was constantly struggling to hide how insecure and uncomfortable I felt inside.
I used alcohol to give me an identity -- if I was the fun party-girl, no one would know how weird and socially anxious I am.
Being a girlfriend was my identity -- if I can be exactly what he wants, his love will make me love myself.
I relied on new outfits, interests, and lifestyles to create new identities -- maybe this will make me into the person I want to be.
I shifted my identity to please whomever I was with, because if everyone thinks I'm an amazing person...then I'll finally feel amazing!
But it didn't work.
I was exhausted, over-emotional, and unhealthy.
I was spending money on things I didn't truly need or like.
I was drunk every single night.
I was being a "crazy" girlfriend.
I was constantly anxious, worrying, over-analyzing.
The only time I felt happy was when I was being noticed, loved, complimented, or appreciated.
The only time I felt good about myself was when someone was pleased with me, or I had a significant accomplishment.
But it never lasted long, and I'd immediately start chasing more and more... like a drug.
I didn't know that this was self-abandonment.
I didn't know that I was over-reliant on external validation.
I thought this was how you become a good, loveable, worthy human.
But instead, I felt completely out-of-control.
I didn't know what else to do.
I'd tried everything...
...except one last thing:
To define my own identity.
To discover who I'd be, if it was completely up to me.
To stop revolving my life and identity around external validation -- and start building internal validation.
It felt very scary and confusing... like there was no real person inside of me.
I couldn't imagine being happy all on my own.
And I realized that that was the huge underlying problem.
In order to stop relying on others and finally be secure & happy, I had to create an identity based on internal validation.
And now, over 10 years later, I am a completely different person.
Most significantly, I feel good about who I am without needing something special to happen outside me.
I go through my day (and relationships) feeling aligned and purposeful all on my own.
I'm not desperately wondering how someone else feels about me.
I feel great love towards my partner, family, and friends... without anxiously trying to make sure they feel the same.
I know exactly who I am, what I truly like, and who I most want to be.
I no longer over-rely on drinking, shopping, or external validation to save me from how I feel inside... they're just fun little sprinkles on the cake.
In my 40's, I feel the happiest, comfortable, and confident within myself that I've felt in my life.
Now it's my mission & passion to help others find their truest, most enjoyable self-identity.
As a self-identity specialist, I believe:
Your upbringing doesn't have to define who you ultimately become.
You get to have the last say on how you feel about yourself.
No matter what age you are, you have a right to find and be who you're really meant to be... and experience what it feels like to enjoy being yourself.
Hi, I'm Tracy Konane
I'm a certified life coach through The Life Coach School. I have a B.A. in Philosophy and an M.A. in Information Science. (I was originally going to be a librarian!)
I've worked extensively in bars & restaurants and consider it a major credential in navigating human relationships -- including the one with myself.
I was born and raised in Hawaii and am currently living in nutty Hollywood, California with my adorable boyfriend of 15+ years, and approximately 6 plants.
For what it's worth, I'm a Libra with a Leo rising.
I've struggled with social anxiety, codependency, people-pleasing, and being a self-love skeptic.
But now that I know who I truly am, I live from self-love and internal validation... no matter what's happening around me.
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