My Homecoming Story
"Once I make everyone comfortable and happy with me, then I can love myself."
From the outside, everything looked fine.
I had college degrees, I was into self-improvement, I was in a committed relationship, and I always held down a job.
But on the inside I was constantly struggling to hide how insecure, uncomfortable, and empty I felt.
I became a high-functioning alcoholic in attempt to cover up my social anxiety and be fun and "normal".
I became the codependent and "crazy" girlfriend while trying to use my relationship as a replacement for my lack of self-love and identity.
I became a social chameleon in order to fit in and be likable... never knowing the style or personality that truly felt right to me.
I had mystery illnesses and chronic muscle tension from the stress of trying to manage other people's feelings while ignoring my own.
I didn't know that this was self-abandonment.
I thought this was being a good, responsible human.
But no matter how much I did on the outside, nothing actually permanently changed how I felt inside.
Years passed. I was getting closer to 40.
And I still had no idea what it meant to love and be myself.
I didn't know what else to do. I'd tried everything...
...except one last thing:
Having a good relationship with myself.
So I made it my mission to love myself.
I repeated positive affirmations.
I signed up for sexy dance classes.
I read books by zen monks.
I did yoga and self-love meditaitons.
I revived old hobbies and pursued new interests.
I got a facial for the first time in my life.
But the moment I was back in the real world, I was still as self-conscious and uncomfortable as every before.
The idea of feeling love towards myself felt wrong and gross.
Self-love might work for others...but not me, I thought.
Then one day, while reading up on one of my genuine interests -- exploring abandoned buildings -- it hit me.
If I've abandoned myself, it's like having a spooky little abandoned house inside me.
I can't just do positive affirmations and yoga poses... and expect myself to feel love towards this dark, dilapidated, leaky house.
In order to feel love, I have to move back into it, turn on the lights, clean up the rubble, repair the walls, and make it into a place that feels like home.
I had no idea how to do any of that.
So I hired my first life coach.
Not to improve myself so I could earn more external love & validation.
But to reclaim my little abandoned house as my own.
To sort through the mess until we uncovered my true self.
And to use my truth as a blueprint to create the happy, clean, cozy innner home of my dreams.
Now it's my mission & passion to teach others how to make their little abandoned house into a comfortable, happy home.
Because how you feel on the inside affects everything else in your life.
By finding home inside myself, I now know what it means to feel real self-love, secure attachment, healthy relationships, and enjoyment of being myself.
When you feel at home inside yourself, you take that with you where ever you go.
Hi, I'm Tracy
I'm a certified life coach through The Life Coach School. I have a B.A. in Philosophy and an M.A. in Information Science. (I was originally going to be a librarian!)
I've worked extensively in bars & restaurants and consider it a major credential in navigating human relationships and practicing self-love.
I was born and raised in Hawaii and am currently living in nutty Hollywood, California with my adorable boyfriend of 13+ years, and approximately 6 plants.
I was once a huge self-love skeptic, but now I coach people on self-love so they can transform their relationships...and entire life.
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