How to reparent yourself after self-abandonment

 Ever since I was a teenager, I was angry at my parents for doubting me.

• They didn’t believe I could handle watching movies beyond a PG-rating.

• They worried I would never graduate from high school, find a job, or figure things out on my own.

• They mistrusted my choice in friends, interests, and what I truly wanted for myself.

My anger fueled me to prove myself as worthy and capable.... not only to them, but to the world.

I barreled through college, overcame social anxiety, and defiantly declared my own independent path.

By age 30, my parents longer seemed to doubt me. In fact, they themselves had expanded their own lives and were now preoccupied with their own newfound hobbies and purposes.

They were completely different people, no longer trying to tell me who I should be or how I should feel.

But instead of feeling happy and confident, I had chronic neck & back pain, was drinking a bottle of wine every night to cope with insecurity and existential crisis, feeling like I’d done everything “right”… yet still feeling so unhappy and empty inside.

My relationship with my parents had changed...but my relationship with myself was based on fear, self-doubt, and needing to prove myself worthy.

Despite no one else doubting me, I still doubted myself -- comparing myself to others, judging myself harshly, telling myself how far I was from who I was "supposed to" be.

Unwittingly, I had become the doubtful, judgmental parent towards myself.

And when my self-relationship felt like being with a critical parent 24/7, I couldn't relax and enjoy everything I'd accomplished. I could never reach a place where I truly felt confident and secure.

So I tried to make myself feel better through the only way I'd always known: By continually seeking validation from others, people-pleasing, latching onto boyfriends, and making choices according to what others would think.

Valentines day in my late-20's, trying to project happy confidence on the outside while feeling deeply insecure& lost on the inside.

“If ONLY my parents had believed in me,” I thought angrily. “THEN I'd believe in myself!”

Then it dawned on me: My parents raised me from age 0-18. But now I’m an adult. I get to raise myself from here on out.

Everything I yearned for in my upbringing, I can intentionally do in my relationship with myself:

• If I was scared and confused about my future, I can reassure myself in the way I wish my parents would’ve: “What matters most is just taking it one step at a time in the direction that feels best right now. You will figure it out as you go along. It’s okay. I'm proud of you.”

• I’d pep-talk myself the car, being the loving supportive cheerleader I never had.

• I’d let myself feel sad, scared, or nervous like a best friend would — not judging or shaming, but listening and understanding.

  
  

And so despite how I was raised, I raised myself from age 30+ in a completely different way. In a way of MY own choosing.

I raised myself to have self-belief. To support and uplift myself. To be the fun, encouraging, understanding best friend I never had while growing up.

The more self-belief I had, the less need I had to over-drink, over-depend, and over-extend myself.

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What is your one main thing you wish were different about how you were raised… and how can you start raising yourself in the way you desire?

Wish your parents encouraged and cheered on your creative interests?

You gotta prioritize and and be proud of whatever creative efforts you make now.

Wish they gave you unconditional love and didn’t compare you to your siblings?

You gotta give yourself love right now and stop comparing yourself to others.

Wish they cared about health and wellbeing instead of the bare minimum?

You gotta give yourself more than the bare minimum and care deeply about yourself.

Wish they had a healthier outlook on success and achievements?

You get to decide what healthy success and achievement look like to you.

What makes humans different from other animals is that we have the ability to intentionally change our thoughts about ourselves.

If we don’t like how our upbringings taught us to think about who we are, we get to recreate and reshape our beliefs and perspectives.

When we recreate our habits of thinking…we recreate how we feel, behave, and identify as.

Self-love is choosing to raise yourself in new ways, and decide what kind of relationship you ultimately get to have with yourself.

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If your upbringing taught you to put everyone else first, you may find it very helpful to have regular uninterrupted time to focus on yourself each week. When you coach with me you'll have an hour focused solely on you to work through whatever's most pressing in the moment…so you can emerge with deeper insight and emotional stability. You can

 book a session here.