Why we self-abandon (and how to get back to self-love)

Are you afraid of accidentally doing something “wrong” in the eyes of others?

You may think that that’s just what a good person does: worry about being a good person.

But if this worry is making you anxiously over-think, downward spiral, and live in constant self-doubt… then it’s a wound from childhood.

I vividly remember wearing my grandpa’s hat to school for spirit week in 5th grade (it was “hat day”)…and having the class-clown and his loud friends point and laugh at me in front of everyone.

Before that moment occurred, I felt like a cool, beautiful cowgirl in his white, wide-brimmed hiking hat.

I LOVED the way I looked and felt in it.

My grandpa holding my little sister and wearing the COOL hat, while I happen to be wearing a hat that ensured I wouldn't get laughed at. 

But after that moment, I felt like an idiot. Disillusioned. Doubting myself.

How could I have been so unaware that the “cool” hat was so utterly uncool?

Why didn’t I pay closer attention to what everyone else thought was cool?

This was the moment where I began to abandon myself.

I began to not only disregard, but shame my own feelings and preferences.

“I can’t trust myself to know what’s right for me.”

Whether or not you can recall an exact moment like this one (often it’s many little things that shape and affect us along the way), something taught you to distrust yourself.

But we were so young.

Nobody helped us process our emotions or see things from a self-loving, empowered new perspective.

No one properly stood up for us in these moments, and taught us how to hold onto ourselves, and build a stronger relationship with ourselves.

So as adults we’re still overly fixating on how others perceive us, what others may or may not be thinking — believing that we MUST control someone else’s feelings in order to be okay.

A self-love practice that can help soothe past and present wounds, is to stand up for your younger self with love and conviction:

If I could time-travel back to that moment with the brain that I have now, I’d give those boys the middle-finger (idc if the teacher punishes me, it’d be worth it) and proudly wear that hat all damn day.

I’d see that the boys were being immature and being purposefully hurtful to make themselves look better — probably because that’s what they received from older siblings in their own lives.

I’d tell myself I'm SO cool and strong for having my own style and not mindlessly going along with trends.

I imagine how much differently this would've shaped me going forward. 

And then I'd bring this energy of self-love and respect into my current adult struggles.

I tell myself, “You deserve to live by your values and preferences. I’m so proud of you for following what makes you feel alive and happy. If anyone hates on you for it, that’s something about them — not you.”

THE PRACTICE:

1. Envision how you'd stand up for your younger self to promote self-love and connection rather than abandonment.

2. FEEL the difference. Imagine how this would've affected who you were going forward.

3. Bring this energy into your current self-relationship: Can you stand up for and trust in what truly feels good & right to you?

   
   

We can’t change what happened to us, but we can change how we relate to our past and our present…how we treat ourselves now, what kind of self-relationship we CHOOSE to have now.

<3 Tracy

I provide loving, non-judgmental coaching through any relationship problem you’re struggling with. You can book a session here.