How lack of self-love affects others

"Who cares how I feel about myself? Isn't being good to other people the most important thing?"

Recently, someone from my email newsletter sent me a very relatable question:

"It's hard for me to justify making self-love a priority because I don't see why it really matters in the big scheme of things. Shouldn't it just be about being a good human? I made it this far without self-love. If no one else knows about it, why is it so important? I guess I just want to understand why my private feelings matter."

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Here's my answer:

This is exactly how I felt when I was a major self-love skeptic.

This is because we were taught from a young age that being a "good human" means catering to other people's happiness.

It seems to make sense: If we make others happy, we are making the world a happier place.

And as long as we're not burdening anyone else with our own suffering, then it's okay.

But the truth is -- we are burdening others when we're secretly unhappy with ourselves.

You may think you're keeping it private, but let's double check:

Do you require certain people to be happy, in order for you to feel happy? And if they're struggling or in a bad mood, do you suffer and need them to come save you from your own feelings... on top of what they're already going through?

Do you do things to please others, and then silently feel resentful or upset because deep down you don't want to be doing it? And then do you secretly blame others for not realizing how you truly feel (even though you never clearly told them how you feel), and for not appreciating you "enough"?

Do you shower certain people with love, and then take it very personally if they are unable to give you the same level of enthusiasm and validation in return? Do you say things along the lines of, "You don't love me as much as I love you", or resent them for not being able to snap into good mood in order for you to feel better?

Do you continue to give love, forgiveness, and understanding towards people who have no interest in changing...and then feel upset when they keep being exactly who they've always been? Are you trying to control how someone else behaves, but call it giving"love"? Are you refusing to accept how someone else is, and holding it against them because you believe in a fantasy idealized version of who you want them to be?

Do you neglect your sleep, your health, your physical wellbeing... such that you often call out sick or are unable to show up fully for responsibilities? Do you make excuses for your absence, tardiness, tiredness, bad mood, or poor performance? Do you justify it by saying that you were over-burdened by (people-pleasing) obligations, as though you have no free will to say "no"?

Do you cling to people or situations that drain your energy and wellbeing, and then bring your woes to others? Do you "bond" over how unfair things are and how sad you are, but are unwilling to face discomfort in order to actually get yourself out of these relationships? Do you see your own suffering as a badge of honor that you can show to others in hopes that they'll take care of your problems for you?

Do you "inexplicably" have sudden rage, sadness, anxiousness or uncontrollable negativity during moments that should be fine and enjoyable? Do you become despondent and sullen while on a trip to Disneyland, or burst out in anger while having mimosas at brunch? Are you very easily triggered by things and often behave in ways you later regret?

The truth is, if you're exhausted, unhappy, and empty inside... it's very hard (and unhealthy) to keep it to yourself. You're not a robot -- you're a human being. If you're not treating yourself well, your inner feelings will inevitably come out and affect others.

To more vividly illustrate this....

...here’s a fun car analogy I like to use with clients:

Imagine that life is a road trip, and you want to make sure that everything goes as smooth as possible.

There’s two approaches you can take:

The first approach is to spend all your time and energy trying to manage the world around you.

You spend a lot of effort making sure that all the roads are being properly maintained so there’s no pot-holes, no detours, and no debris. You constantly call the Department of Transportation to monitor what's going on, and check all the driving apps for any new problems to report.

You’re also worrying about who might be driving on the road with you: Did they get enough sleep? Are they taking care of their mental health? Did they plan ahead well enough so that they’re not in a rush? Are they in a positive mood? You put up billboards and make hundreds of social media posts to remind everyone to drive safely and take good care of themselves.

You’re also worrying about the weather, trying to predict the traffic conditions, hoping there’s no car crashes or stalled vehicles, or police chases or unexpected emergencies.

You spend so much effort trying to make everything perfect, and you don’t have the time or energy to do maintenance on your own car.

If feels as though you're being a good person and making the world a better place... but then your car breaks down every few miles, causing traffic and requiring other people to come help you.

Someone has to tow you to a gas station. The police have to reroute cars around you. A firetruck has to come tend to the smoke coming from your hood. People are honking behind you.

When you're not filling your own gas, changing your oil, taking your car in for proper maintenance, or working on being a good and responsible driver...it doesn't matter how much you're doing for the outside world, because at the end of the day you're still putting it on others to help do what you should be doing for yourself.

The second approach is to put the majority of your time and energy towards making sure you're taking full responsibility for what you have rightful control over.

You prioritize being a good driver, maintaining your car regularly, and doing all practical upkeep so that you feel as confident as possible within your own vehicle… no matter what might be happening out there on the road.

Of course you’ll still plan ahead and do basic research before embarking on a long trip, but you will be controlling everything within your own control… rather than exhausting yourself in trying to control everything else and neglecting your own responsibilities as a good driver.

And as a result you'll go so much farther, you'll actually enjoy being in the driver's seat, and you'll actually be better for everyone else driving along side you. Everything will go so much smoother.

Actual photo of me learning to maintain my own self-relationship and build confidence & security from the inside-out.

There comes a point where you just have to admit that you are affecting others by your lack of self-love.

Trying to control everything and everyone is not only exhausting and time consuming, but it’s also never-ending. You have to worry and fixate forever — never getting a moment to actually feel confident, secure, and good inside. And you will ultimately "break down" and have to rely on others to help you maintain yourself.

It’s so much more sane, sustainable, and giving to start letting go of controlling the external, and to focus on what’s going on within your own vehicle.

By focusing on what you have full control over (your own identity, mindset, attitude, and behaviors), you can ensure that you feel as good as possible as you travel through the peaks and valleys of life.

It’s not yet another big responsibility on top of everything else. Instead it’s you fully owning your ONE big responsibility — your relationship with yourself — so you no longer hem and haw over everything else.

When you center your life around prioritizing an amazing self-relationship, you realize that all the other stress and worry and fixation is optional.

You give without needing everyone to be a certain way in return.

And suddenly you feel so much better, empowered, and in control.

You're no longer tired, grumpy, resentful, anxious, and needy.

You're vibrant, peaceful, loving, and in alignment with yourself.

You can still be there for friends, family, and your partner -- but from a place of love and honesty rather than obligation, neediness, and people-pleasing.

And that's how you truly make the world a better place.

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When you work with me, it’s like having your own private first-class “driving” tutor. I help you stop worrying about all the obstacles on the road, and show you how to get your own vehicle — so to speak — in top condition.

You’ll know exactly what you specifically need to stay in top-tier maintenance, so you can let go of everything else and enjoy the ride. Book your session here.