Choosing yourself for life

I always knew exactly what he wanted.

Guy #1 probably wanted the down-to-earth girl who wore long flowy peasant skirts while making breakfast from scratch, and enjoyed listening to jam bands.

Guy #2 probably wanted the kawaii gamer girl who was giggly and sweet but also happy to play first-person shooters and backpack around the globe.

Guy #3 probably wanted the worldly woman who could talk about art, biology, and social topics while ordering wine in perfect Italian and wearing cute dresses.

So whomever I was dating, I would notice his type walking around town or popping up on social media.

“He probably wishes I were more like her,” I’d find myself thinking. “I need to try harder to be more of what he wants.”

I need to be prettier. Or more chill. Or more extroverted. Or more girly.

And that’s how it’d go every time.

I’d fall in love with someone who likes me, and then I’d freak out and try to become what I imagined to be his dream-girl, so that I wouldn’t lose him.

I thought I was being a good girlfriend. I thought that was the surefire way to keep a relationship strong.

But it always backfired. I became resentful, over-emotional, and very insecure.

And when we broke up, I realized I had no idea who I really was.

Because now his type no longer mattered. And I didn’t know what actually did.

So when I began seriously committing to having a better relationship with myself, I began asking myself… what is my type?

What kind of woman would I want to be platonic lifelong ride-or-die friends with?

I realized that it had nothing to do with looks. I mean if we’re going to do our entire lives together, I would need someone who values and wants the same things I did.

So I didn’t need her to be the most beautiful woman in the world by any means… but I did want her to enjoy putting her best foot forward.

But back to values. I needed her to actually prioritize self-growth, creativity, freedom, and deep conversations…because that’s what made me truly feel good.

And not just someone who says she prioritizes those things, then always chooses to go along with whatever her boyfriend is doing. I need someone who actually unmistakably prioritizes them in everyday life… so she can keep me on track.

I also needed her to enjoy having a healthy, high-energy lifestyle, because I really wanted to be around someone who was a good influence on me taking care of myself.

And I really wanted her to be someone who can have fun — my flavor of fun — where we laugh at the same stupid toilet humor, get excited about niche things like exploring infrastructure, and has no problem with swearing.

I wanted someone who’d be able to be soft and understanding when I was having a dark time, but also rambunctious enough to metaphorically kick my ass up out of my misery when needed. She has to know and understand me very well, and to ultimately want the best for me… even when I’m at my worst.

I didn’t want her to be push-over who’d desert me the moment that someone else requested something from her. She’d be thoughtful, considerate. She’d consult with me first before making a big decision or changing our plans. She’d deeply care about our relationship and how I feel.

I wanted us to grow closer as we get older, to have a silly and dark sense of humor about the ups and downs of a human life. At the end of our lives, I want to feel like we did it our way. I want to feel loving, proud, fulfilled, and happy as we look back on everything we experienced together.

And we’ll know that this is the one thing we can take with us — the way we lived together, the deep and meaningful connection we had.

And there I was.

I finally saw myself — the person I was in a lifelong partnership with.

Sure, when I met her back then, she was in a bit of a rough state.

We didn’t fully trust each other, which makes sense given our history of fixating on romantic partners.

But I realized that this IS who I absolutely want as my ride-or-die.

Who better to have as a life partner, than me? The person who shares my aesthetics, my dreams, my goals, my tastes, my interests, my personality, preferences, and perspectives?

It had nothing to do with how perfect she looked, how sexy she was by societal standards, or how much she fit into anyone else’s “type”.

She was exactly what I wanted as a best friend.

And that’s how I knew it was fully possible to have a relationship with myself.

I finally saw myself as something more than just being there to fulfill someone else’s romantic ideal.

I saw myself as a PERSON. A real flesh and blood person that I wanted to spend my whole life with, and be on amazing terms with.

As someone who was in self-abandonment her entire life, I’d struggled to understand what it meant to choose myself.

I used to want to be anyone but myself — that’s how disconnected and disregarding I was towards my true self.

And the turning point was when I saw myself with my own eyes, rather than through the eyes of someone else.

And realized that there’s no one better to have in my own life.

You’re with yourself from the dawn of time until the end of eternity.

So why not make it the best relationship you can possibly have?

---

If you’re ready to stop worrying about a partner and start truly becoming your own ride-or-die, come book a coaching session with me. It’s like having a relationship coach for your soul.