If I had internal validation, would I care if my husband has an affair?
“I’m working on having my own internal validation, but I’m struggling to understand how it’d work in a relationship where I’m insecure about the women that my husband is around. (He is a wedding photographer). If I had internal validation, would I suddenly not care about anything he does? I want to stop being overly suspicious, but I don’t want to be fine with him having an affair.”
When you lack internal validation, your husband is your validation lifeline. You need him in order for you to feel okay in your life.
Because you’re so reliant on him, the worst thing that could possibly happen is to see him give all that precious validation to someone else — and leave you with nothing.
And this is SO VERY scary. You’ll be constantly on the look out for any possible sign of something horrible happening, so you can do something about it.
You’ll be on edge, feeling upset about things you imagine he’s doing…but have no solid proof of.
You’ll spend your energy trying to show him that you’re the one who’s most worthy of his love, and you’ll build resentment and sadness when he’s unable to give you enough proof and reassurance.
You’ll act in ways you later regret. You do things that make you wonder if you’re crazy. You’re unable to fully believe he truly finds you attractive and lovable, because you don’t feel love or attraction to the way you’re behaving.
(Ask me how I know!!) 💀
And then heaven forbid — if there’s actual evidence that your worst fear is happening… you’ll be completely broken. You’ll feel completely shattered, powerless, devastated.
You won’t know who you’d be without his love. You won’t have anything to hold onto within yourself. All you’ll want is for him to come make it all better — for him to push her away for good, beg for forgiveness, admit his undying love for you, and shower you with love and reassurance.
His behavior would be the only solution to your woes, and you’ll obsess over trying to get him to give you want you want.
That gives him ALL THE POWER over how you feel about yourself and your life.
And this is why it’s so painful, scary, and stressful.
✧˖° VERSUS…if you had your own internal validation, and your husband’s love and approval enhances how you already feel about yourself:°˖✧
It’d be painful to imagine him having an affair.
But it won’t be the scariest thing to ever happen.
You won’t be oblivious…but you won’t be constantly worrying about it or looking for it.
You’ll be busy doing things that make your own life richer, more meaningful, and alive. You’ll be focused on things that you’d enjoy doing whether or not he was still in the picture. You’ll be fostering your own separate healthy identity.
If he’s tired and not super cuddly when he comes home, you’ll assume he’s tired and not super cuddly. You won’t be starved for proof of his love, because you’d be ‘feeding’ yourself within your own life throughout the day. You’ll give him time and understanding, because you’re not desperate. It’s fine.
If you see beautiful women as he’s editing his photos, you’ll just see beautiful women — not immediate dire threats.
You’ll know your own attractiveness beyond physical competition. You’ll value yourself beyond what one man happens to think at any given moment.
And if heaven forbid, the worst case scenario happens… you’ll definitely feel ALL the turbulent human emotions, and be full of pain for a good while.
But you won’t be completely broken. You won’t be forever shattered, powerless, and devastated.
You’ll know exactly who you’d be without his love, because you’ve been that person this whole time. You’ve kept your own life and identity alive. You’ll know your own attractiveness, value, and meaning beyond the relationship.
And of course you’ll LOVE for him to push her away for good, beg for forgiveness, admit his undying love for you, and shower you with love and reassurance.
BUT…
His behavior would NOT be the only solution to your woes. It’d just be the most convenient one.
You’d be able to gather yourself together after the initial chaos, and decide for yourself if you still even want him in your life or not.
You’ll eventually envision some exciting new possibilities. You’ll value yourself and love yourself enough to make a self-empowered decision.
You’ll have SO MUCH MORE POWER over how you feel about yourself and your life.
And this is why having internal validation makes everything much less painful, scary, and stressful.
You’ll know who you’d be without his love, and you’ll be excited to be that version of yourself.
I help good-hearted people know exactly who they are, so they can feel secure and happy within themselves... no matter what's going on in their relationship. I'd love to support you. Click here to come work with me.
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