Needy love VS Healthy love

Needy love:

It’s 2016. I’m on vacation in Hawaii with my boyfriend.

It’s 5pm and I’m waiting him to come back from his walk.

I want to focus on the writing I wanted to get done today, but I’m distracted by how long he’s been gone.

He left at around… 3:30? He said he was walking to the beach. Why is he taking so long? What could he be doing?

He probably met some cute girl and is walking on the beach, talking to her, wishing he didn’t have me — his boring girlfriend — waiting back at the airbnb. Ugh! I should text him.

Wait… no, I don’t want to seem desperate. I want to be as attractive as possible. I wonder what we should wear tonight when we go out to dinner? I brought so much clothes, but I don’t know if I even like any of them. I just want him to think I look good.

Where IS he? This is so annoying! Ugh. I haven’t done any of my work. I can’t stand myself. See…THIS is why he’s probably talking to someone else right now! I’m not good enough for him.

I have to look extra good for him at dinner, just to ensure that he still loves me. Did he agree that we’d be going out to a nice dinner? I don’t think I actually told him I wanted to go to out… I just assumed we were. If we don’t do something romantic I’m going to feel empty and sad.

If he doesn’t want to go out to dinner and just wants to relax here and eat what we have in the fridge, I won’t get to dress up cute for him. I need his compliments and attention or else I just don’t feel right inside.

Omg, he’s taking SO long. I should just text him.

But I shouldn’t have to text him. He should be texting ME if he’s going to take this long. See… this is proof he doesn’t truly love me!

Oh wait, he’s back!! He’s coming to give me a hug!

Ok I’m pissed. He said he needs a nap. He’s sleeping now. He’s snoring. What the hell? We were supposed to go to dinner!!

I’m going to loudly bang stuff angrily around the room and wake him up. I’m going to ask him why he doesn’t care about our plans. He’s ruining everything.

He’s groggy. He says he didn’t know we had plans. It’s true, I didn’t exactly tell him what I had in mind. But he should make an effort for ME since I’m always here worrying about him all the time!

I know he didn’t sleep well the night before, but that’s no excuse. He should care more about me.

His snores are loud in the room. It’s dark outside. I’m angry and sad and trying not to cry. I just hate having to be alone with myself.

I understand why he’s not that into me. I mean…he must not be, right? Sure, he shows me love…but it never feels like enough. But there’s so much wrong with me. It’s no wonder he doesn’t love me more.

Why does this always happen? We’re on vacation! I just want to have a good time. I just want love and attention. I hate sitting here by myself. It’s been 30 minutes. It feels like 3 hours.

He wakes up an hour and a half later, and I give him the cold shoulder.

He asks if everything is okay, and I want to tell him how hurt I am, and accuse him of not loving me as much as I love him…but the only thing that stops me is knowing that it’ll just make me more unattractive.

I grunt some kind of response. Another painful half hour passes.

I tell him there’s still time for us to go out for drinks.

He agrees to go, but he still seems tired. This annoys me.

I over-dress for the neighborhood bar and hobble there in uncomfortable shoes.

I wait for him to give me compliments, but he’s showing me some stupid animal videos on his phone.

I drink way more than I should, and I do things that make me cringe the next morning.

See, this is why he doesn’t love me. I’m an unattractive mess.

Healthy love:

It’s 2026. I’m on vacation in Hawaii with my boyfriend.

It’s 5pm and I’m waiting him to come back from his walk.

I want to focus on the writing I wanted to get done today, so I’m glad I already cleaned up my space, had a healthy meal, organized my notes, and did my stretches.

I’m not sure when he left. Maybe around 3? I hope the weather stays nice so he doesn’t get rained on.

It’s getting dark, I better refill my water and turn on some lights. I’m making slow but steady progress on my writing.

Hm, he has been gone for a while now. I wonder if he went to eat somewhere? I hope he’s not too tired… I know he didn’t sleep very well last night.

Ok I’m getting hungry now. I’m glad I got all this work done! I had to re-write some parts but I’m happy with how it is now.

I feel like having some hot and spicy fish dumpling soup from Goma Tei! Ooh that sounds like a good reward for all the work I did.

I better order now and go pick it up before they close.

Should I ask him if he wants me to get him something to eat? Ah… he’s not that into ramen. I know he has a lot of food he likes in the fridge.

Oh he’s home! He gave me a hug. He says he needs a nap. That’s fine, I told him I’m picking up some food.

Now I’m eating my food while looking over my writing. It’s not perfect, but I’m glad I got this far.

This soup is SO good!

He just came out from his nap and asked if I wanted to go out.

I told him maybe tomorrow…it’s better for us to both get good sleep tonight.

He agreed and then showed me some cute and funny bird videos on his phone — that’s how I know he truly loves me lol…he saves these things to show me!

He leaves me to my work and I sit here marveling at how much I’ve changed while we’ve been together.

I write this blog.

I re-read it and reflect on what caused this kind of transformation.

He’s still the same as always.

What has changed was how I feel about myself.

I put my own self-relationship first.

I came home to myself.

And when I did that, everything else followed.

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Now I help others do the same. If you relate to feeling needy, fixated, and desperate for “enough” love… these are symptoms of a weak self-relationship. I have a special process to help you come home to yourself, and heal these unhealthy relationship dynamics from the inside-out. If you’re interested, come work with me. I’d love to support you.