How to tell if you’ve abandoned yourself

I once took in a pet hamster because it came to our doorstep one night after our neighbors had abandoned it.

They didn’t make an effort to find it a new home.

They didn’t care if it was attacked by an animal, hit by a car, or ended up inevitably suffering from lack of water or shelter.

Instead they just set it free in their suburban driveway, threw it’s cage away, and happily moved on with their lives.

He lived for about two years more under our care.

We can all painfully imagine what it means to abandon a child or animal.

We see how callous and hurtful it is to so completely disregard the wellbeing and worth of another creature…just so the person responsible no longer has to make any effort.

“Who could be so heartless?” we think.

Yet when it comes to considering if we’re abandoning ourselves… it feels like it’s not a real thing.

Afterall, how can we abandon ourselves when we physically cannot leave ourselves?

Doesn’t abandonment require separation?

Yes, but you can do that far beyond just the physical level.

In fact, you can take good care of your body on the outside… all while completely abandoning your true feelings, desires, and inner wellbeing.

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Signs you're abandoning yourself:

You abandon yourself when you habitually brush your feelings under the rug in order to prioritize someone else’s comfort or happiness.

You abandon yourself when you stay in an unhealthy relationship and convince yourself that it’s not so bad.

You abandon yourself when you pretend to be fine with things that you don’t actually agree with, just to keep the peace and feel accepted.

You abandon yourself when you let your mother-in-law decorate your home for you, instead of standing up for your own preferences and setting clear boundaries.

You abandon yourself when you tell yourself that you should be nice at all costs, and that you’re a bad person for having any “negative” emotion towards others.

You abandon yourself when keep forgiving and giving second chances to people who continually disappoint and hurt you.

You abandon yourself when you immediately turn to junk food, alcohol, drugs, or other distractions to avoid your own emotions, rather than trying to understand your inner world.

You abandon yourself when you believe that you’ll be happy once you make everyone else happy, and that your worthiness is found in how you make others feel.

You abandon yourself when you take pride in being low-maintenance and easy-going, when in reality you're simply settling for the least amount of effort from others.

You abandon yourself when you try to become a perfect robot instead of a human being, believing that your life mission is to serve and impress others.

You abandon yourself when you revolve your life around someone else’s identity and make their desires more important and urgent than your own.

You abandon yourself when you think that you’re being selfish or mean when you stand up for what you truly want, or make time for what you really value.

You abandon yourself when you lose sleep and sacrifice your health in order to be on your partner’s schedule.

You abandon yourself when you believe it’s someone else’s job to cure you of your insecurities and make you feel like a million bucks, and meanwhile…you wait in misery.

You abandon yourself when you don’t make the effort to love yourself, and instead exhaust yourself in trying to make others love you.

You abandon yourself when you care more about what someone else can give you… more than what you can give yourself.

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Because being an adult human means having responsibility — responsibility for your own treatment, regard, and relationship with yourself.

And many of us (myself included) have been metaphorically leaving ourselves on the doorstep of someone else’s house in hopes that we no longer have to make any effort to care for our own inner world.

We are trying to find happiness, wholeness, and self-love outside of ourselves — and thus neglecting our own relationship with ourselves, in order to prioritize the feelings and preferences of someone else.

And that’s why we feel unloved, not good enough, and empty inside.

It’s not because we haven’t yet found “the one”, or because we have to convince our mom to understand our point of view, or because we never had a best friend while growing up.

It’s because we’ve been unknowingly taught our whole lives to abandon our own relationship with ourselves, in order to prioritize our relationship with others.

And when we feel like an unloved, discarded little pet animal in our self-relationship… it’s very hard to feel secure, worthy, and happy in all other relationships.

So the most important step to start improving things is to become aware that you’re self-abandoning.

Then you must not abandon yourself further by blaming and shaming yourself for it (again, no one ever taught you otherwise).

And then you must make a decision: You decide that you want to have a better relationship with yourself, and start building it little by little everyday until you have a strong and healthy self-partnership for life.

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If you’re ready to start building an amazing relationship with yourself, I’d love to support you. Come book a session with me.