Imagine you have an aunt.
She's always been around but you've never been very close to her.
When you try to share bits of yourself with her, she just asks: “Are you keeping your partner happy? Are you successful yet? Why aren’t you more like your cousin?”
Then one day she realizes she was focused on the wrong things.
She really wants to get to know you and be close to you.
Out of nowhere, she suddenly says: “I love you.”
Would you suddenly feel love towards her?
No, you’d be weirded out.
You’d think: “You don’t even really know me! How can I even trust you?”
Even if she brought you gifts, gave you compliments, and repeated her love for you…
… it’d feel forced, awkward, fake.
But if she instead sat you down, apologized from her heart, and genuinely began to listen and pay attention to you…
…and kept proving little by little that she actually cares and wants to loves the real you — you’d warm up to her.
And if she begins to participate in your life, validate your feelings, and encourage you to be who you really are…you’d start to REALLY enjoy being around her.
And over time, once you realize she’s here to stay, you’ll naturally feel a deep love and connection to her.
She’d have to EARN your love.
Not because she’s an unworthy or bad person.
But because you’ve never seen this side of her before.
Even though you've known her your whole life, you've never known her like this.
It's technically the start of a new relationship, in which trust, connection, and feelings must build over time.
This is why, despite being with myself my entire life, it didn't feel right trying to love myself.
I'd completely lost myself in a romantic relationship -- obsessing over my boyfriend and trying to do everything possible to get him to stop flirting with other women.
So self-love was the last resort. I knew I had to start learning how to feel good on my own if anything was ever going to get better.
I read a few blogs on self-love and what it was supposed to look like and feel like.
That night in the bathroom, I wrapped my arms around myself and whispered: "I love myself".
I looked myself in the eyes and tried to feel love.
Instead I just felt disgusted.
It felt unnatural, stupid...and just not right.
But the thing was, I didn't hate myself! I liked so many things about myself.
But LOVE? Ugh. I felt turned off by the person I saw in the mirror, even though I wasn't sure why.
The only way I could kinda sorta feel a smidgen of "love" was when I was imagining another person seeing me as attractive.
That's when I realized why I relied so heavily on my boyfriend for love, and why I felt like I couldn't leave him.
It was because my own relationship with myself felt unrewarding, unattractive, and awkward.
Whether we are aware of it or not, we have a relationship with ourselves.
For many of us, it's a strained one (most likely because we were raised with certain people who treated us like the aforementioned imaginary aunt originally did).
Because nobody taught us how to stay connected to our true selves, we completely neglected this self-relationship -- we didn't think it was as important as our relationships with others.
Thus we've ignored our true feelings, shoved our own dreams and preferences under the rug, disregarded our own wants and needs, and prioritized pleased other people to the detriment of our own wellbeing.
We've looked at ourselves and asked: "Are you making your partner happy? Are you successful yet? How does everyone else feel about you? That's all that matters."
So to suddenly try to come out of no where and say, "I love you", to ourselves... it's weird!
We're weirded out by this because we've never had this experience before.
We've never had the chance to build a proper relationship with ourselves -- starting by sitting ourselves down and actually taking the time to listen to ourselves.
After years of putting everyone else first, we actually don't know ourselves on an intimate level -- we haven't taken the time to hang out with, get to know, and bond with ourselves... so of course self-love feels weird and forced!
THIS is why buying ourselves flowers, repeating affirmations, doing some self-care and pampering... doesn't actually make us feel love.
It's because we have to EARN our love.
Not because we're an unworthy or bad person.
Even though you've known yourself your whole life, you've never known yourself like this.
It's technically the start of a new relationship, in which trust, connection, and feelings must be built over time.
There is nothing wrong with you if you feel weird or grossed out when you try to feel self-love.
It just means you're working on your relationship with getting to know your true self.
Like any other relationship you must work your way up, earn your own trust, show yourself you care, and start building a bond with who you really are.
It's really hard to force yourself to feel love towards a version of yourself who put everyone else's needs and opinions first.
I had to take baby steps.
I began paying close attention to myself, getting to know what actually made my day better, what actually made me feel better (hint: it wasn't bending over backwards for others and begging for crumbs of love), what I actually wanted in life, what I actually preferred for myself.
I took notes on myself, journaled about what I discovered, made extra effort to show myself that I'm listening and that I actually care.
I earned my own trust by continually doing difficult things to stand up for my own wellbeing, showing myself I wasn't going to dismiss my own interests or demand that everything I do be of benefit to someone else.
I had to learn what attracted me to myself. I liked being around myself when I did or wore certain things. I liked being with myself when I was unmistakably living by my own values and doing things that made ME feel alive.
Self-love is unique to everyone.
For me it doesn't feel like unstoppable confidence, or mushy-gushy love.
But it no longer feels gross by any means.
I feel a fondness and appreciation for who I am. I ENJOY being myself.
It feels like being best friends, aligned, where I'm in this life together with myself.
I've come to know my true self extremely well, and I make all my decisions based on this relationship with me.
And it is SO much better on every level than the "high" that I used to get from external love and validation.
If you're ready to prioritize self-love, I specialize in showing you who you truly are.
When you see who you truly are and start building this relationship with yourself, self-love will come very naturally. Come work with me.
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