Being yourself doesn’t come naturally to everyone …and that’s okay.
I
For most of my life I wanted to be anyone but myself.
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I grew up feeling lonely and socially anxious.
As a young adult, I relied entirely on boyfriends’ love and approval in order to feel good about myself.
I drank to hide my insecurities, stayed in unhealthy relationships, and shoved my emotions under the rug until they boiled over and I became the “crazy” girlfriend.
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The thought of having self-love sounded gross.
At the same time I was so jealous of happy, kind people who had healthy self-esteem, led their own life, and didn’t worry so much about what others thought.
So I read all the self-help books. I journaled daily, did self-care, tried to meditate, and told myself wonderful things in the mirror.
I learned a lot about myself. I did feel a bit better than before.
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But at the end of the day I still felt the same desperation, inner emptiness, and inability to feel love towards myself.
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I feared that I was too "wrong" inside to be allowed to be myself.
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I was convinced I'd repel everyone and be alone forever.
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Then one day I thought: “This can't be who I really am.”
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This is
So I stopped trying to do self-love the way that everyone else was doing it.
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I didn’t need to think I was the hottest, most perfect thing ever. I didn’t need to buy myself flowers and write my name in the sand. I just wanted to feel okay with myself.
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And I started to figure out my own style, my own approach to loving myself.
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It didn’t feel all pure and beautiful and love and light.
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It felt like making my own rules, realizing what actually made me love myself (it wasn’t what I thought), and discovering a new way of seeing the world.
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It felt like befriending the anxious new kid and taking her on fun misadventures, encouraging her to try new things, express herself.
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Self-love feels sturdy, practical, freeing, supportive, sane.
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It is a personal skill, a new identity, that transformed the way I felt and behaved in my relationship and in life.
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Now I help my clients experience self-love their way.