Being yourself doesn’t come naturally to everyone …and that’s okay.
I
For most of my life I wanted to be anyone but myself.
I grew up feeling lonely and socially anxious.
As a young adult, I relied entirely on boyfriends’ love and approval in order to feel good about myself.
I drank to hide my insecurities, stayed in unhealthy relationships, and shoved my emotions under the rug until they boiled over and I became the “crazy” girlfriend.
The thought of having self-love sounded gross.
At the same time I was so jealous of happy, kind people who had healthy self-esteem, led their own life, and didn’t worry so much about what others thought.
So I read all the self-help books. I journaled daily, did self-care, tried to meditate, and told myself wonderful things in the mirror.
I learned a lot about myself. I did feel a bit better than before.
But at the end of the day I still felt the same desperation, inner emptiness, and inability to feel love towards myself.
I feared that I was too "wrong" inside to be allowed to be myself.
I was convinced I'd repel everyone and be alone forever.
Then one day I thought: “This can't be who I really am.”
This is
So I stopped trying to do self-love the way that everyone else was doing it.
I didn’t need to think I was the hottest, most perfect thing ever. I didn’t need to buy myself flowers and write my name in the sand. I just wanted to feel okay with myself.
And I started to figure out my own style, my own approach to loving myself.
It didn’t feel all pure and beautiful and love and light.
It felt like making my own rules, realizing what actually made me love myself (it wasn’t what I thought), and discovering a new way of seeing the world.
It felt like befriending the anxious new kid and taking her on fun misadventures, encouraging her to try new things, express herself.
Self-love feels sturdy, practical, freeing, supportive, sane.
It is a personal skill, a new identity, that transformed the way I felt and behaved in my relationship and in life.
Now I help my clients experience self-love their way.