When I was revolving my life around my partner and waiting to feel fulfilled by his love, I was very frustrated with myself.
I just had so many qualities that I didn’t like.
I would put off things that I knew were important.
I was easily made anxious, angry, or sad.
I was a mess. My house was a mess. My health was a mess. My mental state was a mess.
I kept saying that I was finally going to do certain things, and then I just couldn’t get myself to start.
And that was just the beginning of a whole list of bad habits.
How could I ever love and accept myself, when I found myself so unattracted to the way I was?
But then I realized: What if I’m this way, because I’ve spent so many years putting other people’s opinions and preferences over my own?
What if I’m like this — not because this is who I really am — but because I am not allowing myself to be who I really am?
This tied my mind and stomach in knots, but also made me feel very excited.
What if… this isn’t who I really am?
What if… all of these are just side-effects?
And what if all I had to do was to change the way I regarded myself....
To redirect my energy from him, to me.
To do the CRAZY thing — and start pursuing a life that made sense to me, rather than trying to be a copy of him.
Here’s what happened:
I began to do all the crazy things.
I stepped out of my comfort zone and prioritized doing things that interested me.
I told myself that my niche interests, my haphazard strengths, my quirky ways, my “irresponsible” dreams — were important, sexy, attractive, and NECESSARY.
I began living life in a way that benefited who I was, how I felt, who my soul really wanted me to be.
I stopped being in so much discomfort by always trying to tend to him, and I started willingly being in discomfort in the name of tending to myself.
And the more I honored my own soul — the more I was suddenly doing all the things I previously hopelessly struggled with.
I simply wasn’t as easily bothered by the things that would’ve set me off into an emotional rollercoaster in the past.
I felt pressed to take care of the important things, and it felt good to do so because it created a better experience for myself.
I saw that the way I cared for myself and my home directly affected how organized and clean I felt mentally.
And because I felt more aligned with my deeper purpose and self-expression of who I really was — good habits followed. Because I began regarding myself in a more respectful and conscious way.
The juicy cherry on top of all of this was: I felt so much more attracted to who I was.
I felt so much more like who I most wanted to be.
And I realized: these bad habits were never who I really was.
They were just symptoms of me denying my own importance and ignoring my soul.
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