CHECKLIST | Identity Love

the starter
checklist

Everything you need to begin finding & loving your own identity after losing yourself in a relationship

This list is in progress and constantly growing & improving!

Also remember, each "little" thing you do is a HUGE step forward. Make sure you take the time to celebrate it!

This is an ever-growing list of SPECIFIC things that I personally started doing when I was starting my identity-love journey from scratch.

(You don't have to do ALL of these things! These are simply suggestions to pick and choose from and play around with, with a spirit of curiosity and exploration.)

It's important that you practice thinking in new ways along with doing things in new ways! The inner stuff supports the outer stuff, and vice versa.

There are 3 different lists!
🡳Click the tabs at the top to see each list🡳

ACTIONS
💪
Things to do

⬜ Separate your stuff from theirs and create special areas just for your things. Whether it's a shelf or an entire room, make your area distinctly you. Put up photos of things you like and feel inspired by. Decorate it to your tastes. Start seeing yourself reflected back to you in this special area.

⬜ Make a conscious effort to hangout with friends that are more yours than theirs, and start new friendships that are aligned with your interests & personality. This creates new quality social options for you outside of the relationship.

⬜ Make a list of things that only you are interested in (that they aren't into, or are neutral about), and hold it near and dear to your heart. These things are important! They make you interesting! They make you distinct.

⬜ Carry a notebook to make note of each thing you do differently for yourself (especially the small stuff!), and use star stickers and smiley faces to visually celebrate each thing! Make it FUN for yourself.

⬜ Make Pinterest/vision boards that are full of images that you are naturally drawn to, regardless if it makes sense to someone else or not. (Board ideas: Decor, Fashion, Interests, The Future, Art, Travel). Use these as reference for making inspired identity-loving decisions!

⬜ Follow people whose lives make you go, "Something about THIS makes my insides perk up!". Unfollow people that make you groan and think, "I'll bet I'd be more attractive/loved if I were like this!".

⬜ Take weekly breaks from living in their world by going out to be around places, people, and opinions that are unique to your own interests, personality, and goals. You belong to the world, not your relationship.

⬜ Use the recorder app on your phone to talk to yourself about how you're feeling, what's going on in your mind, what you most want in life. Get used to having heart-centered conversations with yourself about what is going on for you.

⬜ Start adjusting your fashion style to match your own self-expression, comfort, and preferences -- rather than dressing for them. Take photos of outfits you LOVE seeing yourself in, and store it in a special "outfit" folder in your phone for future reference.

⬜ Make an effort to watch shows and movies that pique your interests. Find books and music you truly enjoy. Resist the urge to have to explain/defend yourself for any "guilty" pleasures. It's cool to inexplicably like what you like!

⬜ Daydream about what your 8 year old and 18 year old self daydreamed about. What would they be so thrilled to see you do now? What were they most excited about? How can you do something today to make them proud?

⬜ Do "indulgent" things even if your partner isn't there. Get the yummy take-out food you truly are craving. Yes, even when you're "just" by yourself and they won't be around to share it with. Wear the stuff that makes you feel good, even if they won't see you in it.

⬜ Eat healthy and get exercise because YOU get to experience the mood boosting benefits and feeling strong and energized. Looking good for them is just a great bonus.

⬜ Journal more about yourself. Write down your true thoughts, feelings, and dreams. Write down what you most want, what you're working through, what's going well with you.

⬜ Practice checking-out other people! As in, keep finding people attractive other than your partner. I know, this sounds "bad", but it's healthy. Not just attractive looking people, but personality traits and qualities that YOU find attractive. This is important because it keeps our view on the world open and positive (rather than the ONLY good thing being our partner).

MINDSET
🧠
Things to remember

⬜ A good relationship is one where you know who you are apart from it. Where you don't lose yourself the moment the aren't there. Where you are excited for things in the future that have nothing to do with them. Where you are already whole.

⬜ Constantly "needing" them isn't a sign of how much you love them. It is an indication of how much you've lost your own identity and have become over-dependent on them to give you a sense of self. To balance things out, you need to regain your own distinct identity apart from them.

⬜ Not all relationship advice is for your situation! Memes and sites that focus on being more giving, understanding, more aware of their needs -- are for folks who don't naturally give their all like you are. You are already doing the "good and nice" stuff too much.

⬜ What's the point of being in a "good" relationship, if you are secretly upset, frazzled, and insecure the whole time? Prioritize feeling inner peace, alignment with who you are, alive in your own unique identity.

⬜ At the end of the day, they aren't really just your baby, your honey, your sweetie-pie-puppy-kins. They are an adult human being with their own thoughts and inner world, and we have to respect that. They aren't here to be your ideal sweet darling dear. They are here to be their own distinct person, just like you are.

AWARENESS
👀
Things to notice

⬜Notice when you're seeing the world through their eyes and their judgement. Ask yourself: how do I truly think and feel? What is my unique perception on this?

⬜ Notice when you are trying to plan your life based around their schedule. Ask yourself: "What would work best for me, if it were just up to me?". Focus on planning around that, instead of immediately compromising it all from the start.

⬜Do you feel the urge to find something "special" for them while out shopping (so you can bring it back and get validation)? Is it actually necessary and worth the time/money/effort to do so? Why not just get what you came for?

⬜ Notice when you see it as a hassle to do small things for yourself that would improve the quality of your life (ie: re-heating your food, buying the toiletry product you prefer, cleaning the mirror, sitting in nature before work). Then see it as a fun experiment to see what happens when you DO that small thing for yourself and focus on noticing how you benefit from it.

⬜ Notice your motives. Do you feel "motivated" to do something because you actually want to do it? Or do you feel pressed to do it out of a sense of duty to please them? Either way, honesty with yourself about your own motives is a significant move!

⬜ Notice if you drop everything and wait for them to lead as soon as they come into the room. Allow yourself to continue what you're doing. Allow yourself to have a life going on side-by-side of theirs. Yours doesn't have to stop.

⬜ Notice if you feel unable to make personal decisions until you know how they feel about it. Practice coming to terms with your own preferences beforehand. Allow yourself to have an opinion outside of their emotions and viewpoints.

⬜ Notice if you use them as the "dangling carrot" to get you through the day. Are they the highlight, the only thing you look forward to as you slog through everything else? What did you look forward to before you were together? Where can you bring more of that back in your current life?

⬜ Notice when you are used to habitually going out of your way to do something that is entirely for them (and at your own time/energy/monetary expense). Do you really want to continue doing this thing? Or is it something you secretly low-key resent? There is no right or wrong answer, what matters is you getting to the truth of how you really feel.

⬜ Notice the song lyrics/books/movies/shows that you surround yourself with. Are they subconsciously selling the idea that you have to perform to keep your partner around? Or that love is supposed to be an obsessive, give-your-all-to-them thing? Question everything! Is it actually balanced and healthy to do this in real life?

⬜ Notice if you are unintentionally idolizing your partner, making excuses for their behavior, telling yourself that you shouldn't feel upset because they have so much other positive traits. You are allowed to have complex feelings towards them. It doesn't have to be either all-good or all-bad. Be honest with yourself about the parts that don't align with your own truth.

⬜ Notice when you feel obligated to go and "save" them from things that are their responsibility (ie: planning ahead for an event, being on time to work, calling customer service about their phone plan). Let them handle their own stuff. It's ok.

✨A place of your very own✨

TRACY KONANE

IDENTITY
LOVE

the starter
checklist

There are 3 different lists!
🡳Click the tabs at the top to see each list🡳

ACTIONS
💪
Things to do

MINDSET
🧠
Things to remember

AWARENESS
👀
Things to notice

TRACY KONANE

IDENTITY LOVE

the starter checklist

There are 3 different lists! 🡳Click the tabs at the top to see each list🡳

ACTIONS 💪 Things to do

IDENTITY
LOVE

the starter
checklist

There are 3 different lists!
🡳Click the tabs at the top to see each list🡳

ACTIONS
💪
Things to do