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the starter

Everything you need to begin finding & loving your own identity after losing yourself in a relationship


This list is in progress and constantly growing & improving!

Also remember, each "little" thing you do is a HUGE step forward. Make sure you take the time to celebrate it!

This is an ever-growing list of SPECIFIC things that I personally started doing when I was starting my identity-love journey from scratch.


(You don't have to do ALL of these things! These are simply suggestions to pick and choose from and play around with, with a spirit of curiosity and exploration.)

It's important that you practice thinking in new ways along with doing things in new ways! The inner stuff supports the outer stuff, and vice versa. 

There are 3 different lists! 
🡳Click the tabs at the top to see each list🡳

Things to do

⬜ Separate your stuff from theirs and create special areas just for your things. Whether it's a shelf or an entire room, make your area distinctly you. Put up photos of things you like and feel inspired by. Decorate it to your tastes. Start seeing yourself reflected back to you in this special area.

⬜ Make a conscious effort to hangout with friends that are more yours than theirs, and start new friendships that are aligned with your interests & personality. This creates new quality social options for you outside of the relationship.

⬜ Make a list of things that only you are interested in (that they aren't into, or are neutral about), and hold it near and dear to your heart. These things are important! They make you interesting! They make you distinct.

⬜ Carry a notebook to make note of each thing you do differently for yourself (especially the small stuff!), and use star stickers and smiley faces to visually celebrate each thing! Make it FUN for yourself.

⬜ Make Pinterest/vision boards that are full of images that you are naturally drawn to, regardless if it makes sense to someone else or not. (Board ideas: Decor, Fashion, Interests, The Future, Art, Travel). Use these as reference for making inspired identity-loving decisions!

⬜ Follow people whose lives make you go, "Something about THIS makes my insides perk up!". Unfollow people that make you groan and think, "I'll bet I'd be more attractive/loved if I were like this!".

⬜ Take weekly breaks from living in their world by going out to be around places, people, and opinions that are unique to your own interests, personality, and goals. You belong to the world, not your relationship.

⬜ Use the recorder app on your phone to talk to yourself about how you're feeling, what's going on in your mind, what you most want in life. Get used to having heart-centered conversations with yourself about what is going on for you.

⬜ Start adjusting your fashion style to match your own self-expression, comfort, and preferences -- rather than dressing for them. Take photos of outfits you LOVE seeing yourself in, and store it in a special "outfit" folder in your phone for future reference.

⬜ Make an effort to watch shows and movies that pique your interests. Find books and music you truly enjoy. Resist the urge to have to explain/defend yourself for any "guilty" pleasures. It's cool to inexplicably like what you like!

⬜ Daydream about what your 8 year old and 18 year old self daydreamed about. What would they be so thrilled to see you do now? What were they most excited about? How can you do something today to make them proud?

⬜ Do "indulgent" things even if your partner isn't there. Get the yummy take-out food you truly are craving. Yes, even when you're "just" by yourself and they won't be around to share it with. Wear the stuff that makes you feel good, even if they won't see you in it. 

⬜ Eat healthy and get exercise because YOU get to experience the mood boosting benefits and feeling strong and energized. Looking good for them is just a great bonus.

 Journal more about yourself. Write down your true thoughts, feelings, and dreams. Write down what you most want, what you're working through, what's going well with you. 

⬜ Practice checking-out other people! As in, keep finding people attractive other than your partner. I know, this sounds "bad", but it's healthy. Not just attractive looking people, but personality traits and qualities that YOU find attractive. This is important because it keeps our view on the world open and positive (rather than the ONLY good thing being our partner).


✨A place of your very own✨

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